Last few days have been weird for me. I have not felt bad nor sad-by no means myself by any measure, but having to live in each moment and consciously passing on to the next one. Staying home with my son, I find myself leaning into every scream and every smile he creates. I don’t have a job, but the one of serving him, so I try my best to invest all my energy into every second we engage with one another. Sometimes I wonder if I am choosing wrong by not having a job, and staying home with him. After all, staying home with no husband and as little as a boyfriend and my dad to lean on, doesn’t reassure me and my son the brightest future. However, the choices I continue to make and build on ride on faith. A part of me says I am being selfish, but that is only the part of me that gets persuaded by the world around me. The side that I find comfort in and assures me I am making the right decision is the part of me that tells me to not feel bad because others don’t make similar decisions as I. Some don’t have the support to foster the decision I’ve made to minimize and stay at home with my child.
Even right now as he is in the bath and I am next to my son, I feel guilty for typing this and not giving him my undivided attention by splashing bubbles in his face and letting him demonstrate a bathtub friendly cannonball. But what you see here is the little bit of myself I have held unto.
For the next several days you may see many posts like this, and this new category I’ve created called Applicable Thoughts to stay true to my readers and my cause. Heavy on my mind these next couple of days will be what my next moves should be. Prayer, consulting with people whom I trust, and strength from my son-these are the resources I will use to uphold my next step in the right direction. Many people believe in logic-I do to an extend, but my true directive is combining that voice inside me and the intelligence I have designed inside me as well. Many times when I have made decisions off of simple logic or emotion-two very different yet heavily used directives, I’ve found myself in a place where I don’t need nor care to be. The world tells you to go, go, go, and there is no ying and yang in that mindset for me. The other mindset found in the world is to “follow your heart” and again its lead me to self destruction in which I also damage those around me.
The world I’ve created for myself does not leave me content, but I do have peace. I am growing toward the light and hoping for a growth spurt. The ironic part is I really have nothing tangible. I don’t have a car, I don’t have a fat bank account, I don’t have any of those things that the world uses to define how well you’re doing and what you’re worth. Yet, peace surrounds me and love fills me greatly. This is something I didn’t have when I had a job with benefits, a 403b, and decent health insurance plan. Those things are really nothing if you aren’t walking in love and covered in peace. I’m no hippie, or martyr- don’t get me confused. I am an individual who has accumulated a certain experience with life and its allowed me to be humbled instead of turned out and bitter. In fact, things I have been through could have desolated me in that sense, but I’ve fought to be right where I am at.
We all choose what we fight for- to many I have gone with the less traditional cause, but nevertheless most important to me.